Symptom check
Check all that apply.
- You are warm in a room where nobody else is warm.
- You have blamed the room.
- You removed one article of clothing and described it as getting comfortable.
- Someone asked if you were okay and you said "yeah, it's just hot in here."
- You have stopped talking, but you are still nodding.
- You are reading this at a barbecue.
One or more: you have the pork sweats.
Zero: you have not eaten enough pork. This is a separate problem and it is worse.
Onset
Time from final bite to first symptom. Shorter is worse.
Bacon is the control group.
The four stages
Confidence
"I could eat this every day," you say. Out loud. To people who will remember.
The sheen
You blame the room. You are the only one blaming the room.
The unbuttoning
Framed as comfort. It is not comfort. Everyone at the table understands what they have just witnessed.
Ambient
You are now a heat source. Small children give you space. A thermostat somewhere is making a decision it will not be able to justify.
The science
Digesting protein costs 20–30% of its own calories. Carbohydrates cost 5–15%. Fat costs 3%. Eat enough pork and the arithmetic says you should warm up.
That is the entire theory. It is not a medical term. No study confirms it. Merriam-Webster has declined to comment, which we are choosing to read as fear.
Evidence: everyone who has had it.
Management
Prevention
Three to six ounces. Eat a vegetable. Drink water during rather than after.
No one has ever done this.
Treatment
Asked how to handle the meat sweats, a charcuterie expert told Food & Wine that you basically have to pass out and sweat it out.
That is the state of the art. That is the whole field.
From sufferers
"I ordered the two-meat plate. It is meant for two. I have never told anyone how long the drive home took."
"Five stars. I drove home in February with every window down and my wife did not speak to me until Tuesday."
"I fell asleep sitting upright at 7:40 in the evening and I would do it again."
"Bacon cannot do this to a person. I am typing this from a cold bathroom floor, but bacon cannot do this to a person."
On the record
A man on Friends eats an entire turkey and names the parent condition on national television. No one follows up for eight years.
American Dad says the actual words. First clear attestation of the species.
Arby's and Old Spice release a Meat Sweat Defense kit with a roast beef sweatsuit and a towel. Commerce arrives seventeen years before science.
Food Network airs an episode titled Pork Sweats! and at no point explains itself.
This website, which is the most rigorous work done on the subject to date.
Pork Sweats is not a drug, device, treatment, or product. Pork Sweats is a thing that happens to you. Side effects may include a second plate, a nap you did not schedule, and telling the story at work on Monday.
Do not operate a smoker while experiencing stage IV. Do not attempt to explain the condition to someone currently experiencing it. Ask your friends whether barbecue is right for you; they will say yes, because they also want barbecue.